Hearts @ Home Summary

I already mentioned the Duggar's in the last post, and although I can't say I necessarily agree with their lifestyle completely, they truly seemed like genuinely nice, at peace people.  And their faith, although a bit to the extreme, was amazing.  One thing from them that really hit home was worrying less about whether your children seem "good" just from the outside and instead focus on filling their mind with things that are good.  Not that their outside behavior doesn't matter, but that by building them up and teaching them God's word, they will be a "good" person on the inside and grow up to want to do right.  If they are behaving out of fear (and all the discipline books I've read say this too) then even the most well-behaved child is more likely to rebel later on. 

I'm at the age with P now that behavior is a major focus.  Toddlers are just so curious, so independant, rebellious, always on the verge of so much new information like becoming verbal, and so full of emotion that they don't know how to deal with that they are constantly getting into "trouble".  So I try to go back to the positive discipline and ask myself "will this really matter when I look back 20 years from now?" I am slowly trying to learn to stop saying "no" so much and give another option or reaffirm what she is trying to say--which for us means 50,000 reminders a day to "talk in your normal voice" "How do you ask nicely?" instead of whining & crying etc etc etc!  Notice I say "trying to learn".  Just because I write about these things & agree with the ideas does not mean I implement them perfectly by any means! Hopefully you all know that, I am not here trying to pretend I do things "better" than anyone or that I have great advice.  Just things that I am trying out & working on, and maybe later I'll come back & say, that didn't work for us. Who knows.  Trial & error. 

My favorite Duggar share was how Michelle teaches her children to listen.  In her opinion, "attentiveness" is the most important quality to first teach little ones (they even have a character quality chart on their website ranking the different qualities...).  Her method is really different from anything I've ever heard.  She says she uses "training" instead of "consequences" which really appealed to me because lets be honest, I could be putting P in timeout all day long but who wants to do that??  By the way I don't actually even use timeout with her yet. But what she does w/the toddlers is every day she practices giving commands, like asking them to come to her, and uses a sing song voice to practice and make a game out of obedience.

So it would look like this:  JO-sie!?  Josie should say "Yes Ma'am" (I would use mommy not ma'am but whatever floats your boat), "Come here please!" "Coming mama!"  And just keep practicing and reminding them how to respond until they get it. For the older kids it might be a game of asking the child to run downstairs, run around the table 5 times, come back up, do 10 jumping jacks, then touch the bed, so that they are still learning to follow commands.  Then when you are out in public and you call for them, or they run ahead of you to the street, it is ingrained what they should do.  Now I know with 19 kids this is probably a matter of survival but I think it would be really helpful with just one too!  I haven't tried it much w/P but want to.   She even says to interrupt their playing with this activity so that they will learn to listen to you even when they are busy.  This way you aren't always correcting and on their case, and they know what you expect them to do very clearly.  Instead of telling them what you don't want them to do after they do it wrong, show them the right way.

I already mentioned in the last post about the advice from Julie Barnhill to "take back our brains".  She talked about guilt and I loved her quote "I'm not pickin up what you're droppin".  So assess what you are feeling guilty about and decide if it is something you are really responsible for or not.  She says "real" guilt is specific and you know what you are doing wrong & what you need to do to fix it, imagined guilt is more of a vague "feeling" that you can't put your finger on.  Her example was her son putting the guilt trip on her that she "hadn't been home at all and she loved her job more than him".  She thought rationally and pointed out all the days on the calendar that she had been gone for work and it was miniscule, and showed all the days she'd been home which was many.  She was not going to let him make her feel guilty when deep down she knew she had spent time w/him and that it was okay for her to have her own interest and do something she enjoyed in her work. 

Linda Anderson talked about having too much going on in our lives. She used a running analogy of us as runners & life as a "race".  If you're having trouble determining "what really matters" in your life:
 1. Focus- What are you focusing on?  What are you watching on tv, who are you comparing yourself to, are you caught up in self pity & guilt, are you taking too much credit & too much blame in kids' lives.
2. Running gear-  What are you carrying with you? Too much baggage from information and technology overload, being involved in too many activities, too high expectations & perfectionism--> all leads to being confused & insecure
3. Running Partners-  who are your mentors, who do you surround yourself with, is there teamwork and encouragement?

Advice for choosing whether or not to do an activity--We are often presented with more than one "good" choice that you would like to do.  Obviously it's easy when there's one option you want to do & one you don't, you can say no to the "bad" option.  But when more than one opportunity comes up that you'd like to be involved in, it can be harder to decide, such as a book club, a wine club, and serving on a school committee.  (Well, okay maybe you don't really want to do the committee, but you feel obligated, or you don't want to look bad to the other moms).  When you want to do both, but your family's schedule is already pretty full and you don't really know if you can/should take it all on (or budget reasons), ask these questions:

1. What is my reason for doing it (Because you can't say no? Because you are a people pleaser?  To keep a certain image? Or is it something you feel God is calling you to do?)
2. How does this choice affect/fit w/my goal of being a mom (What matters most to you as a mom)
3. If you say yes, what other things will get sacrificed (what are you willing to not do, so that you can do the things that matter most)
4. How will choice affect your balance as a person / mom (Maybe you really need that book club to have adult time away every week/month)
5.  Keep in mind seasons of mom-life (Just because you say no now, doesn't mean you can't do it later.  Different things work at different times in our lives)
6. Keep in mind eternal perspective-answering to God

Make a list of "Things I don't do vs. Things I do and give yourself permission that you don't have to "do it all"!  Maybe your child doesn't need to be in t-ball, dance, AND tumbling.  Maybe what you need more than taking your child to a practice every night is a free night at home as a family.  Schedule those into your calendar so you don't overbook.  Maybe gardening, or home decorating, or scrapboking just isn't your thing.  Just because Mommy Suzie Q over there is doing it doesn't mean you have to, but that's where that comparing thing comes in. 

At mom group the other day they handed out these magnets as prizes and someone was telling me how you can make those yourself really easily with a picture, a magnet and a clear stone.  I said that sounded really cute, but I know I'll never do it. I had another friend laughing so hard she was in tears because she said, you know I've thought that before but I've never said it!  Well, here's permission to say "No really though, I'll never do it, but great idea!", to having enough on your plate already, to not having to take on every little suggestion that comes your way.

 I enjoy making tutus and hair bows, trying new recipes, & writing my blog.  But you're not going to see me trying to run a marathon, keeping a spotless house, or dressing to the nines in the latest fashions.  Those things just aren't who I am, and are things I am mediocre at, or aren't highest on my priority list, but I'm okay with that!  Do I admire those who just have that knack for interior design, or for pulling an outfit together & making it look amazing, and sometimes wish I had it too? Of course! But we all have our own talents, and not that we shouldn't ever push ourselves beyond our comfort zone, but you're not going to like or be good at everything, and if you try to make yourself be master of everything, then you're probably not left with much time for the things that really matter in life.
Here's a poem Michelle Duggar shared that I really liked as well:

If I live in a house of spotless beauty with everything in its place,
but have not love, I am a housekeeper--not a homemaker.

If I have time for waxing, polishing, and decorative achievements, but
have not love, my children learn cleanliness--not godliness.

Love leaves the dust in search of a child's laugh.
Love smiles at the tiny fingerprints on a newly cleaned window.

Love wipes away the tears before it wipes up the spilled milk.
Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys.

Love is present through the trials. Love reprimands, reproves, and is
responsive. Love crawls with the baby, walks with the toddler, runs
with the child, then stands aside to let the youth walk into adulthood.

Love is the key that opens salvation's message to a child's heart.

Before I became a mother I took glory in my house of perfection. Now I
glory in God's perfection of my child. As a mother, there is much I
must teach my child, but the greatest of all is love.